my recurring nightmares

I know nobody cares about other peoples dreams so I dont really expect anyone to read this and maybe thats a swell thing, this will be boring. I have always had recurring nightmares. as a child I had one where I would witness people planning to break into my house and I had to prepare. id bolt up the doors and build defenses and they’d always succeed in breaking in. what does that mean? I dont know, maybe the obvious, it doesn’t really matter. as an adult my nightmares are a lot more complex but they’re always somewhat the same: there is something chasing me and I know I will probably die and I have to outrun it. sometimes the scene will change or whatever chasing me changes. its actually kinda cool, ive been chased by terrorists, mass shooters, mist, disease, zombies, deadly bubbles and serial killers. the bubbles one was actually a sick idea genuinely. sometimes I have time to say goodbye to my family, sometimes I do not. I get stuck inside these nightmares, sometimes I can feel they’re dreams, but I cannot escape, like im locked inside. one time I was sleeping over at my boyfriend at the times house and I have no memory of this but he told me that I kept yelling im scared, help me, get me out, there’s someone in here, there’s someone behind your shoulder. he could not wake me. im so sorry to him actually thats terrifying. I really wish I could know what was happening in my dream. he said I then punched him in the face. I eventually woke up and all the lights were on and he was standing with his arms crossed on a bed he made on the floor. sorry. I thought it was funny he did not. people are so serious. okay I know I punched him but I was asleep!!! he was too serious for me. he once got mad at me for getting my period in his bed. he said I should’ve been more prepared. can you believe that? what a loser. you dont always know? have you ever been around a woman? how is it my fault. if you have a girlfriend keep tampons at your house. basic decency, the least you could do. fuck you. no he wasn’t that bad, he’d hold my hand, take me on dates, take me out dancing and keep photos of me on his desk. one time I looked at his phone, I know, it was one glance ok. but all I saw was him sending photos of me to his friends saying how great I was. okay now I feel like a bitch. people are so complex. people settle into what is safe and compromise themselves in the process. he was safe, he didnt understand me. has anyone ive dated? I dont think so. but my friends do so do not fret about me. fun fact, the first time I slept over at a different guy I was seeings house, I had one of my nightmares and he left me over it LOL he said it represented that I run away from my problems. maybe he was right, I dont know, im running away from that accusation.

id like to tell one more nightmare just for fun! I was living in my college house and I was 20 at the time. I was the youngest of my friends and I could not go out. I know. I had a fake id but I got caught once and I dont really drink much anyways, not really worth it. so I was watching a movie or something and fell asleep on the couch. I had this nightmare which locked me in. all it was, was this woman’s face in the dark. in reality she looked like a normal woman but something in her face filled my whole body with this cold dead fear. I could not get away, I could not back up or look away. I was frozen with fear. I knew I was dreaming but I could not move or wake up or do anything to get the face away from me. but I could apparently talk, I could hear myself screaming for my housemates to help me but no one was home. I dont know what happened next but I woke up and they had come home and all the lights were off. I couldn’t sleep any more that night and when I close my eyes to this day I can see her face.

sometimes I think my apocalypse dreams are trauma from covid lockdown and the stress of that on my teenage psyche, but thats honestly too embarrassing to admit or say.